


Duty

by zephalien



Series: community center paul [4]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Doubt, Gen, Homophobia, Loss of Faith, Religious Conflict, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:40:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22821118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephalien/pseuds/zephalien
Summary: Some exploration of the things the dear Vicar has been dealing with off screen.(Pizza takes place in the middle of these events.)
Series: community center paul [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598026
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	Duty

**Author's Note:**

> references to Mark's suicide attempt and some suicidal ideation in this bit. Also some homophobic religious discussion. Stay safe, friends.

“No, Paul, no. People love you. You pulled so many of us through these past few years.” Maggie had said. 

“Exactly. I'm the priest that people look to when they're hurting and then desert when everything's OK. I've got more to offer than that.” Paul replied.   
  
Paul had left the conversation with Maggie feeling disgusted with himself. How could he have been accusing and whining to her about her lack of church attendance? Especially when he himself was growing more and more uncomfortable with the echoing walls and cold stone facade of the church. Even the beautiful colors streaming in from the stained glass windows had started to blur in his vision after too many breakdowns and moments of desperate solitude. The loneliness he felt in the church walls was growing more and more by the day. Every email from the Bishop about the lack of attendance, the lack of donations, added another level of disgust and apathy to his internal churning.   
  
His discussions with Mark felt hollow. His belief felt hollow.    


  
~~~~~~~   


  
“Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Bishop. I have been thinking a lot about how to extend a hand to the community lately and I am always blessed by your counsel in these matters.” Paul smiles weakly at the Bishop in front of him and pours them both tea.   
  
Bishop Alan takes the tea with a nodded thanks. “I am pleased you reached out, Reverend Coates. I have been meaning to have a sit down with you for some time now.”   
  
Paul swallows and tries to keep his hands from shaking or tapping by taking his tea cup in his hands and plunders on. “I know that the church has been struggling due to lack of.. erm.. attendance.”    
  
_Money_ , He thinks to himself with anger and anxiety trying to stage a revolt in his chest. He holds himself tighter and adjusts his posture.    
  
“Indeed. Hard times.” The Bishop says looking down his nose at Paul with a practiced neutrality. “I’m sure.”   
  
Paul grits his teeth to keep the sour expression off his face. “Yes, that’s what I wanted to discuss. A member of the community has made it clear to me in the past that she has felt unwelcome in the church at times. This is, of course, due to more outdated ideas about the concept of homosexuality. I’m sure you agree that we have a duty to reach out to all members of the community. I believe it would go a long way to-” Paul is rushing through his words so quickly even as he notes the changing expression of the Bishop. If he can just get this out-   
  
“Let me stop you there for a moment, Reverend.” Bishop Alan says.    
  
Paul grits his teeth, steadies his shoulders, sips his tea.   
  
“This is a very small community entrusted to your care.” Alan begins slowly in the practiced calm way that Paul is familiar with in his own voice. He feels none of that calm now. “I don’t know that now is the right time to be focusing our efforts in such a… controversial.. direction.”   
  
This time Paul can’t keep his expression from twisting with disgust. “Maggie is a good and moral woman. She deserves-”   
  
Bishop Alan cuts him off again. “The teachings are clear in this matter, Reverend, and many-”   
  
“You were the one who counseled me to go to minister to Joe in jail. What of that? He pled not guilty because of me! A criminal went free because of _the teachings_ and now I can’t offer support to a good woman? A pillar of the community?” Paul knows he’s being a little too loud now, speaking too quickly. He can’t bring it in himself to care.   
  
Bishop Alan looks shocked by his outburst. “Penance and forgiveness are important, _Paul_.” The lack of title rings out between them. A chastising warning. “We can not support that behavior which is a sin in the eyes of God. Ministering is not the same as condoning-”   
  
“Condoning what? A nice woman? Someone we, ourselves, have forsaken and allowed to become strayed from the church?” Paul accuses, rising to his feet in his anger.   
  
Paul's defiance rings out like a bell between them and the Bishop shifts forward and clasps his hands. "Dear boy, have you any sense of duty?"

Paul can't help his shock. "Duty??" He spits the vile word like a curse.    
  
Bishop Alan sighs and leans back in his chair like he’s exhausted. Paul remains standing, staring him down, fists clenched. “I take it your attendance is still lacking?” 

  
“Yes, my attendance is still lacking.” Paul wants to snarl, but it comes out as a pout.   
  
Bishop Alan takes off his glasses and sets them down next to his untouched tea. “Then, I think we should discuss your position within the parish. Sit down.”   


  
~~~~~~~~

  
  
He’s been told that his position is under review. He thinks about telling Mark when the man comes to fix something in the church, but the pain he has is so great. Paul puts it away. He does his job.   
  
He tries to offer counseling to Trish through Beth, but is rebuked. It was a selfish urge. He’s not even sure it would help her, but hearing another person confirm the ineffectiveness of the church stings him.   
  
He keeps thinking he will speak up and say something. He keeps thinking he will tell someone what’s happened with his position. He can’t tell the people in this town how far he has fallen and the shame of being on probation (a loaded phrase for someone with such a checkered past as his) prevents him from reaching out.    


~~~~~

Then Mark tries to kill himself. 

~~~~~~

When he gets the news, his first reaction is that of envy. He sits on the floor of his office behind the sanctuary for a long time feeling guilty for that for hours. He doesn’t move until Beth comes to talk to him.   
  
“ You were right to go gentle on him. He's hurting.” He tells her. He heard his own voice echoing in his ears so distantly. 

“We're all hurting. I'm hurting. You're hurting. The whole bloody world's hurting. But he has to make it about him.” Beth says in her frustration and for some reason it stings Paul with guilt.    
  
He swallows down the emotions and tries to continue responding in something approaching supportive for Beth. She needs him to be a _Vicar_ right now. He feels like a mess. He feels like it’s a mistake. He isn’t up to the task. He can hear his own anger and frustration leaking into the conversation and Beth’s shock at his lack of empathy. He had tried so hard until now to maintain a sense of calm, of kindness.    
  
“But I get it. I understand what Mark's going through.” He ends the conversation halfheartedly. He understands it too well.    
  
As he watches Beth leave, he wonders what Mark felt when he went into the icy waters. He wonders if it was a relief.   
  



End file.
